The dangerous territory of deconstructing a feeling

Oh my, these are going to be the hardest morning pages yet – I have absolutely no idea what to say! Even after eating a boiled egg and doing a loud exhalation, still nothing…

I am in Vienna, armed with time and several books on writing, advertising and Internet marketing – what will come of it?

Hopefully, one thing that will come of it is a more congruent, flowing writing style. I have been writing in a list format for 3 years so it will take a little while to break the habit of disjointed paragraphs. And of course purpose, I am still fleshing out the purpose of all this, but having placed the focus squarely on it, I am sure it will crystalize sooner rather than later.

An exercise in “forced” inspiration then. When I have nothing to say, but have a task to write, how do I go about writing? Choose a topic, see what comes.

Let me try to process my confusion then, the old topic that still haven’t been resolved: to Vanuatu or not to Vanuatu, that is the question. It has been pestering me for over a month now and each time it got loud and overly persistent I was able to make a deal with it to quiet it down. Then I back down on my promise by making another one while the voice grows louder and more persistent. At the moment I have made a truce with it by promising to go back on the 10th of August when the RTW ticket fare drops, IF I still feel like I need to go. Why I am not just following the feeling voice as I have committed to doing last year? Because it is physically quite a difficult undertaking not easily reversible (no one flys to the other side of the globe to discover they don’t feel like being their and flies back the next day, although I don’t preclude myself being the first). There is a certain mistrust due to this voice subsiding at times (only to come back ever louder). Plus there is still a memory of feeling like I am totally done with Vanuatu and it holds nothing else for me that took over me in the first few days of my April visit.

What I have decided to do is try to deconstruct the desire to go back there into various elements and see if I can get them fulfilled in other ways. I have managed the deconstruction so far, but not yet an alternative fulfillment options.
What Vanuatu stands for for me is:

  • time
  • space
  • solitude
  • total cessation of new input and impressions that are omnipresent while¬†travelling
  • nature
  • warm weather
  • most nourishing and delicious daily nutrition
  • ocean
  • zero financial concerns

In a nutshell, stripping away of all worries, new input and distractions while providing an expanded space, time, energy and grounding to process and create. I do not feel like I can get that combination of factors anywhere else at this point in time. So why is it still a question to go or not to go? Because I am on another side of the globe away from it. Because I have planned to be in Europe for 3 months and have been thinking about it for the past year. Because each week brings ever more enticing possibilities to me. Because deciding to go is more difficult than deciding staying.

And here it is again, having been deconstructed into it’s various components, the urge to go is loud and clear in my head again. The 10th of August seems an eternity away plus another workshop scheduled in between (say what?! Another one?)

Ahh, got some help and centering from a friend with a few more insights: the screaming voice is the inner child, and you can’t reason with a child, it needs empathy, not reasoning. I need to sit with it, meditate on it, feel that feeling of Vanuatu spaciousness inside, see how I can fulfill some of the needs on that list in the here and now.

Got to start meditating again, all this energy, confusion and “voices” are most certainly all in my head and I have to ground myself and empathize with myself rather than try to solve mind confusion with mind analysis.

50 more words and then I can go meditate… Or read… Or whatever other things I so wanted to create time and space for.

Now 25, almost there. Just how many words can I write about how many more words I have left to write?

5 more… I can just say goodbye.