I am quite frustrated at the moment as I have fully felt the Universe’s lesson today of not following my feelings. Things at the workshop are quite intense, I got a cold, I am feeling quite restricted in my choices and freedom in this remote location having to rely on other people for everything down to basic necessities like food. I am not enjoying myself but most importantly I do not feel like I am growing. The need to implement my ideas is getting more and more urgent and list of ideas is ever expanding. And after the I initial fascination with the natural beauty and grandeur of the Alps (they still made my cry today with their magnificence) I am coming fully present with the fact that I have been repeating for a while now – I am not a traveling type. The prospect of venturing out into unknown, meeting people and exploring places is not appealing. I take off and travel with people, to go see people or to go to a workshop. If it wasn’t for a extremely intense transformation in Sedona in May-June I would have been open to choosing a spot and living in some place in Italy like I have done last year with Barcelona, but feeling totally filled to the brim with change and growth, as a result overflowing with ideas that beg immediate implementation I really need a break. Never thought I would say or even feel that, but I need grounding, a place to be with no distraction, a place, space and time to just BE. The initial inkling to skip Italy all together and fly strait through to Vanuatu, which I have then ignored for the sake of reasons and previous plans, have now turned into a full blown homesickness, longing and desire to just blink my eyes and be there NOW. I can’t even imagine making a brief stop in Australia to renew my Russian passport (hooray finally after 5 years!) and see my friends. If it takes 3-4 layovers so be it.
What a profound lesson, as I am contemplating it now. I have resolved to follow my intuition and feelings 2 years ago and while it was not logical but relatively easy to do, I did so even when it meant major changes to my plans. And I was always rewarded with the most divine unexpected experiences. This year the Universe has decided to step up the game and the challenge and threw something my way that I was able to clearly recognize as a conflict between my feelings telling me to do one thing (go to Vanuatu) and my mind listing all the reasons why I need to go to Italy. My mind won with some clever rationalizations last week and today WHAM – I am now being hit with some serious repercussions. Thank you thank you thank you, it is still a relatively small price to pay to learn (hopefully once and for all) that I need to follow my feelings, no matter how wild and unpredictable and totally illogical and difficult to execute it might be in the moment. Especially the persistent ones, the ones I know aren’t just a whim of the moment or an emotional reaction to something.