Artistic autistic

Morning pages, morning pages, morning pages. I have let a whole slew of daydreams float by before i finally got my iPad out and started writing, lets see if anything is left.

*crickets*

I guess it’s hard for something to arise without a definite topic or purpose. Let check the morning pages instructions quickly and get back here (aha! More justified procrastination!)

Ahhh… Now that was a nice read, so inspirational and witty, i love laughing out loud while reading,makes me feel extra silly.

So yeah, just a stream of consciousness, whatever is on my mind, with the ultimate goals of:
– dumping all the chatter onto the pages to free myself up to be creative in the rest of the day
– unblock any known and unknown creative blocks
– learn to ignore the inner critic that constantly judges everything
– form of meditation to bring me in touch with my inner wisdom
– form of dialog with my inner self, can ask her questions and just chat about stuff

So with renewed gusto i am pouring over my iPad and this lovely Writings app i am so in love with. Played with the fonts this morning, chose a typewriter one, my dream album image of life-writer typewriter has come true.

Stream of consciousness… Can one drown in it? Or flow with it?.. Or play and splatter and make waves?.. I love my stream of consciousness, it is a gentle cool mountain spring jolly rushing through a forest, catching glimpses of sun. Kind of like the stream i visited in Sedona and played naked in, it was a lot of unabashed fun.

I think i am so artistic, no matter where i look – its all art, engaged in art all day long, the most subtle and beautiful of all being the art of doing nothing. How does it go again? That is the first phrase i learned in Italian back a year ago while watching Eat, Pray, Love: la dolce far niente. Let that be my, life’s motto. But of course the only reason i revere it so is that i almost never do it, but i am getting better at it, living in Vanuatu has been a major turning point towards a fuller experience of life, “far niente” style. Now i am off to learn from the masters of it – Italians. Oh its going to be such fun, maybe i can even do my morning pages in italian in a couple of months. Bravissimo! (don’t even know if its a proper word but it popped into my head and the rules of the morning pages game say that i need to write it ALL down)

Another pause, and a deep sigh. Is that of relief or exasperation? Maybe these pages can teach me to more clearly identify my feelings? My god, i think my friend was right, i AM autistic. Not only am i completely missing parts of the emotional scale (i don’t think i have ever experienced hate and can’t really imagine it, but i have seen it in the movies), but i also can’t identify correctly the emotions that i do experience, which i and some others have known about me for quite some time. Fascinating, eh?

I love spaciousness, funnily enough, it is at these times when i have to actually spent time working every day which i haven’t had to properly do in over a year now, that i am finding the most time to spend with myself, on creating, reading, learning, cooking and doing all the things that make my heart sing. And yes, even a little far niente here and there.

Man this writing session feels looooooong. I am only at 600 words yet. But at least my initial suspicion that 750 words is probably not really enough to make up 3 pages has now been put to rest, it really does feel like i am harping on and on. Toilet break…

America in general and Texas in particular are major danger zones for weight gain. What with my obsession with food and my letting myself have anything i want it really is only sustainable in short bursts – thank god for 90 day visa restrictions (never thought i’d genuinely feel that way but here it is). But this morning i am particularly pleased with my reflection. I have been really falling in love with myself, which started 1.5 years ago in Vegas when i for the first time in my life looked in the mirror and thought i looked hot. It has gone much deeper now after i have been taught by another friend a beautiful morning routine of greeting myself in the mirror, looking into my own eyes and telling myself how amazing i am.

I am AMAZING!!! 🙂