Addictions and obsessions

Was looking forward since yesterday to my morning pages and now that I’m here I don’t know what to say – again! Ate half a pound of blueberries already and still nothing comes. I think I am forgetting it is meant to be a pure stream.of consciousness recording and not something epic, just like the instruction chapter said – writers have the hardest time with the pages because they are always trying to make them into some sort of a writing.

I stayed up until 9am last night, surprised even myself. Not so surprising considering I have been going to bed at 6am for the past 3 weeks due to having to work in Australian time zone. But yesterday was one day I did not have to work, yet I stayed up the longest? Doing what? It started last night with the decision to attack my task list and knock a few things off before bed but turned into a long research session, and then majority of it was sent setting up membership infrastructure on my site. I am positively obsessed with my site, it’s crazy, it’s like a mind fixation, addiction even. This bizarre single mind’ness of focus and huge voluntary investments of time does start to make me wonder though, what is it all about? Is it just a narcissistic addiction of crafting a good looking online image reflecting my real life where I am busy falling in love with myself and my physical body and spending a lot of time on its care and pamper? Or i certainly like to entertain the idea that I am creating something for someone else including myself to benefit from, even though there aren’t that many benefitting somebodies at the moment. It has inspired me review my top life aspirations yet again after I have completed these pages. I have been so caught up in the “how” of the immediate goals I think I have disconnected from the “ideal” life I want to be living. Alright! Dreaming time again – my favorite time.

Saw a blog post yesterday describing a much more convoluted and complicated process of doing what I myself have been doing for a couple of years now – living digital slideshow vision board to which I credit my phenomenal manifestation powers. That definitely calls for a how to blog post which I will write shortly, people need to know there is an easier way to do this. Oh, maybe I can even post a comment on that blog telling them to relax and use my process instead cause its so much simpler and allows for constant vision updates.

It’s pre stormy weather outside – I like it, the nature is flaunting all it’s powers, taunting with the possibility of rain, letting the tension and anticipation build with each new distant rumble of thunder.

Oh and I had another brilliant idea – instead of locking up the whole post, should it contain personal content, I can just lock up parts of it I deem personal! Thankfully my s2Member WordPress system allows for that.

Whoa, plenty of ideas in these pages, I like it.

I want to go back to Vanuatu pretty bad, it’s persistently on my mind. And the more it’s on my mind, the more I am convinced I will get “stuck” in Italy. My mind works in bizarre ways, but it has plenty of past bizarre life experience to draw it’s conclusions from, so can’t hold it against him. It is curious how I think of my mind as a him, hmmmm…

I want to read so may books and learn so many different subjects, it’s another ridiculous thing. I seriously need to find a way to get paid for learning stuff, i love it so much it’s an unstoppable force. It was curious though to peruse familiar blogs and event promotions and where prior I would have been all excited and scheming how to attend the next personal development seminar or program, now they all look the same to me. I have done enough of it to start spotting trends, underlying patterns they utilize, cracks in their presentations and cliche┬áimagery and words. It’s quite an amazing state to be in, like an addict having broken free of the addiction, I am looking back at it with mixed feelings of gratitude and disgust. Haha, that’s a funny mental image. So yes, although my passion for learning is as strong as ever, my personal development compulsion is all but gone at the moment. I feel like no one can teach me what I don’t already know or take me places I haven’t reach in my own mind or consciousness development, it’s a very nice and comfortable place to be…

No one but nature that is, I have been having lots of talks with nature lately. It started in Sedona and here I have just discovered an amazing park forest and spend an hour or so exploring it back and forth. Even saw a fox at one of the clearing, it was so funny since it did not notice me at all, I came up from the back really close. But then it did finally notice me, it got all jumpy scared and ran off a fair bit then stopped and looked at me from behind a tree – funny thing. And I also saw a possum in the neighborhood and finally picked some flowers for my vases. Nature has the capacity to completely change my vibration, and I mean on the spot, right there and then, a tangible noticeable shift in the whole state of being, it’s incredible.

Wow going on to 1000 words this morning. I did do a bit of my own research and there was another opinion coming up everywhere that 3 pages is in fact 1500 words. But I do believe that refers to typed 3 pages, and since the instruction calls for written, then it probably is 750 only. I got the 750 number from the site aptly named 750words.com which is one guy’s implementation of the morning pages concept online. He made an online editor for himself to write morning pages and then made it publicly available – kudos to him!

And I am at over 1000 words now, head buzzing with the few ideas that have surfaced here and anticipating my sunset walk again into the forest wonderland. Adios!